About 13 years ago I took a misstep on the edge of a steep trail and I've been careening, bumping, tumbling, bouncing, crashing, sliding down the rocky edge of the mountain ever since, in free fall, occasionally clinging to a ledge or a lone straggly tree until strength gives out and beginning again the crazy slide down the seemingly endless decline of physical health and strength.
About 2 months ago, I hit a particularly steep decline and I began a rapid, bone-jarring tumble, bouncing off of sharp rocks, head over heels descent until I landed with a painful thud. All I could do was try to breathe through the pain, the fear, and the helplessness. Afraid to move else I would begin careening down the abyss yet again. How many more falls like that could I endure?
At first, I was unable to see that I hadn't landed on the edge of the mountainside on a rocky ledge, but that I had landed at the bottom. Bruised, battered, very much worse for the wear, but alive. Nowhere near the trail head, somewhere in uncharted territory, but alive. As I gingerly took stock of my wounds and started assessing how to begin finding my way out of the wilderness, a trail guide appeared in the form of my friend, M who graciously, lovingly offered to help me. And we began walking. And along the way, others came alongside turning what was once a lonely, isolated fall down the mountain into a joyous climb surrounded by loving friends.
Thirteen years ago, the insurance industry declared me "uninsurable" and I threw up my hands, "What's the use in trying anymore. I'm damaged, defective, unwhole, cast-off. It's hopeless. Let the fates do with me what they will. I am powerless to do anything about my disability and I have no control over the physical decline inherent in a slowly progressive, inherited neuromuscular disease." I began gaining weight. I stopped moving. What's the use of eating well and exercising if there is no hope of ever being whole, no hope of ever being attractive, no hope of ever being vital?
Over the years, I would occasionally land on a rocky outcropping, where I reassess, muster a tiny measure of hope and try to climb up the mountain face, only to stumble and begin falling again.
Today, the climb is very, very different. It is no longer like trying to climb the side of the mountain hanging on with bloody fingernails. It is a verdant path, lovely with God's creation, and filled with laughter and friendship. The journey itself is the prize and not just the destination at the end.
It is a journey filled with surprises and epiphanies. The most shocking epiphany is that I have a body that is amazing. As I have begun filling my body with healthful foods and have begun moving it, it has responded in unexpectedly delightful ways. Why did I not see before that my lower leg nerves and muscles might be affected by a neuromuscular disease, but that every other muscle in my body has the potential to be amazingly strong and healthy? My legs might be disabled, but I don't have to be overweight, unhealthy, and weak. I can be strong, healthy, athletic, and beautiful. I can have a life! I can finally marry physical well being with spiritual and emotional health and scale brand new exhilarating unimaginable heights.
When I began riding my nustep, I only hoped to improve my circulation... the hope of growing stronger was non-existent. And, yet, I am stunned and amazed to realize that I have all these lovely muscles in my body that are healthy (just under-utilized) and are coming alive as I am using them. I am re-gaining function! After decades of grieving loss after loss after loss, I am celebrating gains!!!! I can't quite comprehend the enormity of this, and haven't really begun processing the emotions and the implications. I'm just reveling in the moment-by-moment enjoyment of moving forward. Being able to easily move my foot from the gas pedal to the brakes, finding it easier to get into my car, rolling over in bed with more ease, seeing my arm muscles gaining new definition, seeing the promise of a waist reappearing, dreaming of one day being able to purchase cute, size 10 fashions, enjoying the process of exploring new ways to strengthen my body. Yesterday, I happily turned down the offer of chocolate cheesecake. I don't want to do anything to hamper this wonderful forward motion.
I am beginning to experience the abundance that Christ intends for my life... a synergy of physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. And I can't wait to see what God intends to do with all of this as I offer it back to him for his purposes and his glory.
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Rather challenging, Lynna. How much are we willing to let you be our trailblazer and lead us up this mountain trail? Or can we wait in the lodge and cheer as you sweep in?
ReplyDeleteI am thinking perhaps it is time to revisit "Hind's Feet in High Places" (Hurnard).
ReplyDeleteKen