Today was the first balmy, spring-like day we have experienced here in my part of the world. An azure blue sky and sweet-smelling breezes sang to me of renewed dreams and fresh beginnings.
It is fitting that I am resuming my blog posts today of all days. Winter has been hell. I am not talking about winter weather as much as I am talking about icy-cold, wintry people whose brittle touch caused frost-bite to my heart. People I had entrusted to hold my heart breathed into it silvery daggers of ice through treachery, betrayal, and worst of all... words. Angry words burn and consume like fire, but these words were a cold fire that left part of my heart white, numb, and dying.
I've retreated from the wintry people, and have cocooned myself in a warm blanket of solitude where perhaps that damaged tissue can recover. It shows signs of pinking up.
One strong indicator of life is that I have resumed my quest to take care of myself. Against all odds, I am dreaming, once again, of the strong, lithe woman I know who lives inside me. More than dreaming, I am working with disciplined determination to free her.
She is encased in about a hundred pounds of excess weight. She is entrapped by flabby muscles. And she sings to me of life, and hope, and the future. She is lovely as she glides in her wheelchair with grace, beauty, athleticism, and strength.
I want, more than anything, to free her, even knowing that to do so will be an epic battle. Yet, the vision of her compels me onto the battleground. I can see her power. I can see how she can change the world. I want to know her, to be her, to live as her.
Is it possible for a middle-aged, paralyzed woman, 100 pounds overweight, with a host of health issues, to honor herself with gutsy, determined discipline to exercise strenuously and eat moderately, to lose weight and to grow strong?
I believe it is possible.
Lynna - I am copying a HUGE chunk of this post because I want you to know how much your words have reached me. Here I am in the UK, in my 50s, sitting at the computer late at night, and reading your blog.
ReplyDeleteI left work on health grounds four years ago and my weight has ballooned. I talk the talk about regaining my strength, losing the excess weight that holds me back and depresses me, yet never walk the walk. 'Walk the walk' huh? I feel ashamed. I CAN walk but my muscles have atrophied because I don't. I sit and wish that I were slimmer and healthier, but more than that, I sit and wish that I could muster up the motivation to actually get started and follow a plan with determination that doesn't waver. Where on earth do I find that self-love that gives me the inspiration, and a kick-start to get me going and keep me going in working towards a healthier life?
I wanted you to know that I think I have found it. Your words have hit home and I am SO full of admiration for you. Oh I know this is an old post, but I am reading your blog in a higgle-dy-piggle-dy order :) Everything I have read has moved me and touched my heart.
You are one inspiring woman, you write so well, and I thank you for giving me this. Tonight I too will exercise in bed.
D in the UK.
"One strong indicator of life is that I have resumed my quest to take care of myself. Against all odds, I am dreaming, once again, of the strong, lithe woman I know who lives inside me. More than dreaming, I am working with disciplined determination to free her.
She is encased in about a hundred pounds of excess weight. She is entrapped by flabby muscles. And she sings to me of life, and hope, and the future. She is lovely as she glides in her wheelchair with grace, beauty, athleticism, and strength.
I want, more than anything, to free her, even knowing that to do so will be an epic battle. Yet, the vision of her compels me onto the battleground. I can see her power. I can see how she can change the world. I want to know her, to be her, to live as her.
Is it possible for a middle-aged, paralyzed woman, 100 pounds overweight, with a host of health issues, to honor herself with gutsy, determined discipline to exercise strenuously and eat moderately, to lose weight and to grow strong?"
Lynna, thank you so much. (And I do hope your heart has healed from the nastiness directed your way when you wrote this. I feel sure it has. You seem to be such a positive person.)
Dear D.,
ReplyDeleteIt gives me VAST joy to know that you are finding inspiration to love yourself through my story of my own journey!!! I want you to know that even though I don't know you, my heart is turned in your direction and I will say prayers for you.
Yes, my heart is healed and I have moved forward and have found love and joy again. I am even grateful for the "wilderness" because during that time,I had NOTHING else to focus on other than taking care of myself. In many, many ways, the pain of my life circumstances led to healing. Go figure!
Thank you so very, very much for writing. You made my day. Blessings! Lynna