Preparing to Dance

{Added March 5: My eagle-eyed friend, P., noticed that I had posted this and a day later it disappeared. She emailed asking about it. Rats. Thought I had quietly deleted it without anybody noticing.

Yes, P., I had some ambivalence about making this bold declaration for all the world to read. (I laugh. "All the world" probably means my sweet friend and a couple of others, but still...

Alright, you win. It's back!}


There are so many things in my life that I once feared and could never have imagined I would one day be comfortable doing:

*getting a job and being employed
*using a wheelchair
*public speaking
*traveling by myself (even going to Walmart by myself used to be a daunting proposition!)
*being comfortable with my body (even having a healthy body)
*being in leadership roles

AND, NOW, FOR THE BIGGEST WHOPPING FEAR: DATING!

Just the thought of dating struck cold terror in my soul.

Like so many of my other fears, no doubt, that, too, is underscored by beliefs that may or may not be true. For instance, I used to fear getting a job because I thought I was a fraud, unskilled,and had nothing to offer. If an employer was dumb enough to hire me, the game would soon enough be over when they uncovered the truth of my incompetence.

I look back at that thinking and have to laugh. It was so incredibly dumb, off-base, and even preposterous. And,yet, it ruled my emotions (created fear) and hampered my actions... for YEARS AND YEARS!

Similarly, the belief system I have carried regarding dating has been: Who would ever date a woman in a wheelchair? EVERYBODY KNOWS that a woman in a wheelchair is asexual and an object of pity... and NO WAY one of desire.

What if I'm wrong in that belief, too (and I think I am) and a whole world is waiting to be opened to me in similar ways other wonderful doors have opened as I've confronted other false beliefs?

I think I'm finally ready to explore that possibility. I think I'm ready because I am approaching this with a sense of curiosity, adventure, delight, fun, and with an ego strong enough to accept that there will likely be some heartache and bumps on the relationship road.

Yesterday, I learned that a woman I deeply admire (who has a sweet, sweet marriage), met her husband through eHarmony. They both attended the SAME church, but their paths had not crossed before that Internet connection was fostered. Don't you love that! It spurred me to explore the eHarmony website and to begin creating a profile.

Here is what I expect from this: New friendships to be made and enjoyable times to be had in the company of interesting men. Beyond that, I hold out my hands to the universe with a smile, knowing that it will be good, in the way that Peter walking on the water was good. I'm stepping out of the boat, in faith, with a trusting heart; and I won't be surprised at all if I not only walk on water, but dance across it while singing. Because the journey has that kind of possibility. For all of us... everyday.
Added later today: After reading reviews about eHarmony AND finding out it charges a whopping $60 a month, NO THANKS! But, it was fun to create my profile and a good exercise to think about the kind of men I would like to meet. A friend once told me that the local "Chess Club" is a great place to meet eligible men. smile