My mom is one of my biggest fans. She is constantly encouraging me... not just on the weight loss journey, but she tells me all the time how much she admires me, encourages my writing, and is a major source of overall life encouragement.
I had no idea how distressed she was before regarding my health. The other day, she said, (and this is INCREDIBLY telling)"Lynna, because of what you are doing (ie taking care of myself), this is the best year of my entire life."
Wow! May I just say again, Wow! And may I also say I am so sorry for the worry and the distress that I caused her. She couldn't even tell me how concerned she was because I was terribly defensive and would cut people off at the knees with a biting retort. And, I'd show them by eating more! So, the people who loved me just had to sit back and wait.
My mom asked me yesterday why I had ignored my weight all those years and why I had decided to do something about it now.
At first, I was stumped and then I had a moment of enlightenment. "Mom, it wasn't that I wasn't paying attention all those years. I WAS working. Working damn hard. On my emotional, spiritual, and relational well being.
I left a marriage wherein I didn't feel I had a voice, I grieved a significant disability and learned to accept/embrace it, I became friends with God after being "divorced from God" (my choice) for 20 years and learned to wrestle with God about the big theological questions (like why does a good Father allow disability in children he loves), I faced my deepest fear of inadequacy and went back to work and excelled in my profession, I learned to live with integrity between my actions and my values.
In short, I was growing up. I was learning to love myself. I was learning to love other people. I was learning to love my body.
So, it wasn't that something just "clicked" recently... it's been building for ten years, little healing by little healing, building upon each other. For that reason, this is NOT a diet. It is a natural flow into the next level of wellness, this time manifest physically.
It amazes me how it all works together, and I can't wait to see what healing tomorrow brings.
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I totally understand this, Lynna. I had over a year where I blogged and worked on things but lost no weight to speak of. And people said "why did you goof off/wait so long to lose it?" And like you, I realize it was part of the journey, the process of healing and being ABLE to focus on the physical stuff.
ReplyDeleteHey we will get there. You always inspire me :)