Crying on the Trail

I was finishing up my last 0.5 mile of my 5 mile roll this morning when a woman made me cry.


Walking towards me with purpose, I could tell this athletic, tall, slim woman had something to say so I took out my Ipod headphones.

"I just wanted you to know that I am out here walking now because I drove by, saw you, and decided that even though my back is killing me, I could do this, too. Thank you for being an inspiration."

I teared up... I'd been praying all morning for a friend who has paraplegia whose back has gone out... It's like, "Enough already, God! It's hard enough just being disabled, could you help out a little here with just a tiny healing touch! He's trying so hard to keep his life together, maintain a job and a household, and stay healthy. It's a huge load to carry, and to have your back go out after going to the gym... well, it just hurts that he has it so hard."

The woman on the walking trail... like I said, I don't know why she impacted me so deeply, but I cried hard as I traveled the rest of the way back to my car. Maybe it was just recognizing that the courage to live expansively with disability, as difficult as that can sometimes be, can affect positive change. There is joy in that. And I don't think my friend with paraplegia knows that joy. He just knows the drudgery of the dailiness of it all... the pain and the suckiness. And that makes me cry, again. Because I want him to experience the joy that can be lived in the midst of the pain.

Beyond Blessed

Middle school, in my city, begins in the 5th grade. Years ago, when my now 22 year-old son began middle school, I was in the throes of a rapid escalation of my disability, and I avoided all possible contact with J's friends... never, ever went to the school... was so certain that it would be painful... that I would face rejection, or worse... ridicule. I was desperately wrong and missed out on alot of opportunities to love and to be loved.

Contrast that fearful and lonely time with this week- I am leading the rising 5th graders at my church in our "Kids' Camp" and I have seldom felt so much love flowing in both directions. Simply put: the kids love me, and I them. And it is a beautiful thing. Oh, I can't get down on the ground with them for their picnic supper, nor play games in recreation, but I CAN do the more important things... I can see them through love's eyes, I can show them honor, I can listen to them and laugh with them. I'm an awesome adult leader of kids... who knew!!!!

They clamor for the honor of pushing my wheelchair to the next activity... it's become something I offer as a reward for good behavior. hehe

I used to think that progressing disability would correlate directly with decreasing love. I was desperately wrong. Thank God. My life grows increasing rich with relationships full of love and the abundant life that Jesus promised increases continually. I am in awe and beyond blessed to be living this life.

Pure Joy

When I began rolling at the river trail a few months ago, I had no idea how life giving it would be... I just knew that from the very first time I tried it, it felt "right".

That first Sunday, walking the dog with my son, going about a mile, enjoying the spring breezes and smiles of other walkers on the trail, was like opening a chapter to the next exploration of my life.

Since that time, I've tried to hit the trail at least five times a week... it is such a source of spiritual, emotional, social and physical well being. I've talked to several hundred people, ministered directly to several dozen hurting souls, impacted countless drivers who are "inspired" as they drive by and see me, deeply connected with a handful of friends who had gotten lost in the shuffle of life whom I enountered on the trail. I've spent a good hundred hours or more contemplating the wonders of Creation, God's glory, and intimate conversation with God. I praise and sing as I roll. I finish my time on the trail, and I am usually exhausted, but feel a deep sense of well being... even joy.

And, if all of that isn't blessing enough, my body continues to grow stronger and healthier. Last week I rolled a total of 20 miles. This past Sunday, I rolled 7.5 miles, my longest distance to date. The idea of participating in a 10K is no longer a distant dream, but a very possible reality.

Loving this... pure joy.

Brief Update

My viewing public has requested an update. P, thanks for asking!!! (Does one person constitute "viewing public"? lol)

I'm very much in a fervent stage of growth... this whole experience of dating and talking with men in "that way" for the first time since I was 21 is taking alot of time, attention, and energy, to say the least. Combine that with starting a new job in sales and marketing (for which I am deeply unexperienced), and my daughter's graduation from high school, and finding a place in a new church, and I am too busy to focus much on wellness... just coasting on the good habits I've established over the past year.

I am learning things about myself in the midst of this dating experience... not all good things... and it is almost overwhelming. However, in the midst of these profound changes, I am managing to stay balanced, reasonably so, with carving out time to exercise, and I am still choosing (mostly) healthy food choices. I think I've stayed at a constant weight for the past two months, and I'm happy with that plateau, even while it's probably time to begin another trek up the mountain to secure more weight loss... if I stayed at this size for the rest of my life, it wouldn't be the end of the world, but I sense there is more God wants of me... even more weight loss and fitness gains. Right now, though, the more important "wellness" matters have to do with the state of my soul and health therein in the midst of male/female relationships. Wellness is about SO much more than the size of one's body. It's the overall state of health that matters. Right now, the emotional/spiritual components of wellness have bubbled up as more important.
Posted by Lynna at 5:09 PM

Dad Gum Good Lookin'!

I've been pretty slack this past week about my exercise routine. I joined an Internet dating website, and, may I just say, it's a little bit addictive... at least for an approval addict like myself. (Once an addict, always an addict. I'm finding that approval is probably for me like Crack is to a cocaine addict. One little hit, and I'm really easily swept into the stream.) As such, it has been alot more fun this past week to chat with men who approached me with "You are beautiful" and "Your smile is breathtaking", and... than it has been to be disciplined with my wonderful and life giving exercise routine.

Definitely a case of choosing poorly, as I see it. The healthy choice... disciplined exercise... that fosters physical, emotional, and spiritual well being, versus talking to a bunch of men who ALL have the exact same profile:

"Honest man seeking my best friend to cuddle on the couch with me."

I asked some male friends to give me a read on that statement, to which they replied, "Oh honey, that just means they want to take their clothes off and get laid."

Sigh.

This has been a very, very interesting learning laboratory (see if you don't agree):

One man wants to move from Virginia and be my caretaker... man! he can cook and fix computers, too!

Another man,age 78, wants to wheel me around in my wheelchair... that sounds dangerous!

Two different men, both with broken English, sounding middle-eastern, (yet with VERY Caucasion photos), want a mum for their little children whose mommies died. (Definitely stalkerish and red flag material)

Several twenty-somethings apparently have a thing for middle-aged women in wheelchairs...

A man who told me I was "dad gum good lookin'" and he would never have to worry about me running around on him... (such an insulting assumption... that nobody else in the entire world would hit on me!)

The man who wrote: "Oh angel baby, it would complete my life to take care of you for the rest of it!")

And on and on it goes... definitely not territory for the faint of heart.

Oh yeh, so while this has been interesting, I'm ready to put it on the shelf and get back to what I know offers wellness... taking care of myself and taking care of others.

And while it has been extremely eye-opening, this Internet dating foray, I think I'm going to pursue relationships the old-fashioned way... flirtatiously rolling over the toes of an attractive man at Home Depot.

I dare!

Joined an internet dating service. All I can say, is dear Lord, this is an experience. Should only be dared by somebody who has the ability to laugh and who has well-honed self-preservation instincts. (There are some seriously evil people in the world... who see a woman in a wheelchair as prey. On the opposite end of the spectrum, there are some seriously lovely men who are blessing my socks off.) Had a first date last night with one of the good ones. And it was lovely. (It was so wonderful knowing that I am at an attractive, even if not yet ideal, weight. While with him, I felt beautiful and sexy.)

And so goes forward my 2011 of saying "yes" to healthy adventures. Next week, a date with another man to go to the mountains on Saturday. So much fun. Who knew?

Dare I Dare?

Dating, as I understand it, is difficult for most divorced, middle-aged individuals who begin entering the male-female relationship arena after decades of being removed from the game.

That is certainly no less difficult (she says with irony)for a divorced, middle-aged wheelchair user.

While waiting for our table at nice restaurant tonight, my friend and I got a glass of wine and waited in the bar area. AND, a very physically fit, uber-ablebodied man struck up a conversation with me.

It was only later, when Sally pointed out his interest, that I realized he had been angling to get my phone number. It was almost comical how inept I was at recognizing the signals he was sending. Life was definitely less complicated in this regard when I was seriously overweight and never had these kinds of issues to process.

As Helen Keller once said, "Life is a daring adventure, or nothing at all."

Not sure if I am up to this daring adventure into which I seem to be swept!