Adorable freshman girl at tonight's youth meeting at church: "You are the prettiest person I've ever seen in a wheelchair!"
I admit it. I am a sucker for a good compliment. Heck, I'll probably glow over that one alone for a good week or two. (Hmmmm. Wonder who she has seen in a wheelchair... lol.)
Loving every minute spent with the youth at my new church, and really beginning to bond with many of the girls. Feel like I am floating on a grace cloud. So much love.
Love really does fill the holes in my soul that I formerly filled with overeating.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
Wow! This has been one heckuva' abundant day. It began with an extraordinary meeting with a colleague at Panera (my new office!) to discuss next steps for initiating a faith-based ministry to provide a safety net and support for people who are "couch homeless" (bouncing from house to house relying on the good graces of family and friends who will take them in for a time). We envisioned changing the entire futures of children who can know more than hopeless entrenchment in poverty as their parents find new hope, skills and encouragement out of the pit. That discussion alone would have made for a phenomenal day, but there was more, much, much more.
My colleague noticed that the label inserted in my 3-ring binder containing my homeless ministry notes said "Joni and Friends", a leftover remant from earlier days in ministry wherein I had explored a possible ministry connection with disability ministry. She asked me if I was going to the fundraiser/banquet in Knoxville tonight at which Joni Earekson-Tada would be speaking. Get out! I had no idea this was occurring. Turns out, my friend had reluctantly purchased a ticket from a friend, but had no interest in attending. Of course, she offered it to me, and I jumped. Seldom do things seems so clear and so ordained.
Truly a "goosebumps" evening. Made and renewed significant contacts with personnel at the Knoxille office. (The Director remembered my name, remembered Mariposa Ministry, and had been thinking of me days earlier. I hadn't seen her in 5 years or more!)What's afoot, God?????
More: I was offered a job working with a best buddy doing productive "tent-making" work to support our ministry callings. This will be a key piece of the puzzle allowing me some financial wiggle-room to return to school should I finally determine that is the path forward.
More: While rolling at the river, I came across a case manager walking with a group of people with mental illnesses from a local hospital. He said, "I know you, you were at the UU Maundy Thursday service." "That's right, I was. I'm surprised you remember." "Well, you are pretty memorable in the wheelchair, and, besides that, I washed your foot."
Yes, folks, he was the man who washed my *foot* at the footwashing during that service. (Why we just washed one foot, I don't know... but that's not really germaine to the story!)
I ask you: How many people do you think were exercising today who encountered another person who said, "Hey, I know you! I washed your foot!"? (This appeals to my sense of humor and just makes me grin. What delicious fun I have at my river.)
And in reflecting on this day, I realize that I have never been more content, more at peace, more purposeful, more joyful, and more certain of God's presence and love, than I am at this very moment in time. I am living expansively, abundantly, creatively, and daringly. And it is wonderful beyond my wildest dreams.
Thank you, God.
My colleague noticed that the label inserted in my 3-ring binder containing my homeless ministry notes said "Joni and Friends", a leftover remant from earlier days in ministry wherein I had explored a possible ministry connection with disability ministry. She asked me if I was going to the fundraiser/banquet in Knoxville tonight at which Joni Earekson-Tada would be speaking. Get out! I had no idea this was occurring. Turns out, my friend had reluctantly purchased a ticket from a friend, but had no interest in attending. Of course, she offered it to me, and I jumped. Seldom do things seems so clear and so ordained.
Truly a "goosebumps" evening. Made and renewed significant contacts with personnel at the Knoxille office. (The Director remembered my name, remembered Mariposa Ministry, and had been thinking of me days earlier. I hadn't seen her in 5 years or more!)What's afoot, God?????
More: I was offered a job working with a best buddy doing productive "tent-making" work to support our ministry callings. This will be a key piece of the puzzle allowing me some financial wiggle-room to return to school should I finally determine that is the path forward.
More: While rolling at the river, I came across a case manager walking with a group of people with mental illnesses from a local hospital. He said, "I know you, you were at the UU Maundy Thursday service." "That's right, I was. I'm surprised you remember." "Well, you are pretty memorable in the wheelchair, and, besides that, I washed your foot."
Yes, folks, he was the man who washed my *foot* at the footwashing during that service. (Why we just washed one foot, I don't know... but that's not really germaine to the story!)
I ask you: How many people do you think were exercising today who encountered another person who said, "Hey, I know you! I washed your foot!"? (This appeals to my sense of humor and just makes me grin. What delicious fun I have at my river.)
And in reflecting on this day, I realize that I have never been more content, more at peace, more purposeful, more joyful, and more certain of God's presence and love, than I am at this very moment in time. I am living expansively, abundantly, creatively, and daringly. And it is wonderful beyond my wildest dreams.
Thank you, God.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Filling Voids with Love Instead of Food
I grow increasingly convinced, especially through reading dieting blogs, that diet and exercise might be adequate for a time to lose weight, but deeper emotional/spiritual work must also be done in order to affect long-term change and in order to maintain new eating habits and to fill the "holes in the soul" that were formerly filled by food. Otherwise, the crack in the door of eating that occurs with transition off of a diet leads to the door being blasted off the hinges and full-out binge. Full-out return to the addictive behavior.
I'm glad to say that the past six weeks (? about?) since I stopped Medifast and returned to eating whole foods, have NOT resulted in my former eating habits. It's too early to tell, but I feel like I am in a really good place where food is concerned and it seems like I've internalized the desire for healthy foods. I literally prefer a banana to a cookie (because I know it makes my body healthier and I love my body) or cooked cabbage to a baked potato.
I eat like all those people who used to mystify me... the ones who would pass on food if they weren't hungry and when they did eat, stopped when they were physically full. Food is no longer my means of self-medicating my emotional needs. I'm growing increasingly content with my life: finding fulfillment in serving, engaged in healthy relationships, always open to opportunities for growing; lots of interactions with people.
And that is the key: Before, I ate because I didn't love myself and I feared people. Now, loving myself, and being open to loving relationships is what fills that former void that food once filled. When I go rolling at the river and engage in deep and meaningful conversations with new acquaintances, that fills me in exactly the same way eating a whole pie would have done before. Connection with people is what my soul has always longed for, and when I felt so not Okay, and when I feared rejection by people, food was a "safe" substitute for that emotional/relational void.
It feels like things are in much better alignment with love of self and love of others filling me up so much that there isn't room to be over-stuffed with food.
Time will tell...
I'm glad to say that the past six weeks (? about?) since I stopped Medifast and returned to eating whole foods, have NOT resulted in my former eating habits. It's too early to tell, but I feel like I am in a really good place where food is concerned and it seems like I've internalized the desire for healthy foods. I literally prefer a banana to a cookie (because I know it makes my body healthier and I love my body) or cooked cabbage to a baked potato.
I eat like all those people who used to mystify me... the ones who would pass on food if they weren't hungry and when they did eat, stopped when they were physically full. Food is no longer my means of self-medicating my emotional needs. I'm growing increasingly content with my life: finding fulfillment in serving, engaged in healthy relationships, always open to opportunities for growing; lots of interactions with people.
And that is the key: Before, I ate because I didn't love myself and I feared people. Now, loving myself, and being open to loving relationships is what fills that former void that food once filled. When I go rolling at the river and engage in deep and meaningful conversations with new acquaintances, that fills me in exactly the same way eating a whole pie would have done before. Connection with people is what my soul has always longed for, and when I felt so not Okay, and when I feared rejection by people, food was a "safe" substitute for that emotional/relational void.
It feels like things are in much better alignment with love of self and love of others filling me up so much that there isn't room to be over-stuffed with food.
Time will tell...
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Wonder What They'll Say at 100 Pounds Lost
I haven't weighed myself since I began this journey. I know what my starting weight was, roughtly, and I know a mid-way number obtained in February through participating in a research project that required a weigh-in. Aside from that,the numbers on the scales have been a non-existent factor. AND I LOVE THAT! I have lost over 80 pounds without being a slave to a number on a digital read-out.
I suggest, however, that there is a way to tell how much weight has been lost according to this scale. I call it the "Comments Scale".
20 Pounds Lost: You look good. Are you dieting.
45 Pounds Lost: You look Great!
60 Pounds Lost: You look Amazing!
80 Pounds Lost: You look Stunning, Gorgeous, Wow!
People, you had me at "great". hehe
I just got home from a shopping trip for makeup,lotion, lingerie, and cosmetics. It is so much fun indulging in "girly" stuff, feeling beautiful, and rolling through the stores feeling attractive and confident.
I didn't know what I had been missing, and believing I could never feel this way again, I had put beauty aside, convincing myself that life was full enough taking care of other people and loving and being loved as a very overweight woman.
That was ok, and, yes, an obese woman can lead a full and productive life. (If she is healthy, which I was increasingly not!)However, I've been there, and I'm now here, and here is infinitely more fun and satisfying.
I suggest, however, that there is a way to tell how much weight has been lost according to this scale. I call it the "Comments Scale".
20 Pounds Lost: You look good. Are you dieting.
45 Pounds Lost: You look Great!
60 Pounds Lost: You look Amazing!
80 Pounds Lost: You look Stunning, Gorgeous, Wow!
People, you had me at "great". hehe
I just got home from a shopping trip for makeup,lotion, lingerie, and cosmetics. It is so much fun indulging in "girly" stuff, feeling beautiful, and rolling through the stores feeling attractive and confident.
I didn't know what I had been missing, and believing I could never feel this way again, I had put beauty aside, convincing myself that life was full enough taking care of other people and loving and being loved as a very overweight woman.
That was ok, and, yes, an obese woman can lead a full and productive life. (If she is healthy, which I was increasingly not!)However, I've been there, and I'm now here, and here is infinitely more fun and satisfying.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Medical Model of Disability: NO MORE!
One of the most wonderful aspects of losing weight, becoming fit, and growing healthier is that I am finally, finally, finally externally revealing the internal truth that has grown inside of me for the past decade: The medical model that says disability is something abnormal, defective, broken, in need of fixing is totally messed up. The truth is that disability is part of the normal range of humanity, it is challenging, at times, to be sure, but a person can lead a very full, healthy, life with wonderful relationships, purposeful work, and creative play. People with disabilities are normal. The medical model is a lie that kills the spirit and ruins lives.
When I am rolling down at the river, in my black, racer-back tank top that reveals my tanned shoulders, rippling with lovely (feminine) muscles, I can't imagine anybody would see me as dis-abled. Surely they see power, grace, efficiency, tenacity.
When I was 80 pounds heavier, I was a "rolling" billboard that seemed to support that medical model of disability. Even while feeling extremely competent and whole internally, the exterior did not match who I had grown to be. I could talk a blue streak about healing and wholeness, but my message lacked veracity when the external "proof" seemed to be lacking.
Finally, the exterior "me" is beginning to catch up to the interior "me". I grow increasingly and *visibly* strong and attractive. Now, I combat the medical model of disability just by going about my life. Now, I may just have a message to deliver that people will be able to hear.
When I am rolling down at the river, in my black, racer-back tank top that reveals my tanned shoulders, rippling with lovely (feminine) muscles, I can't imagine anybody would see me as dis-abled. Surely they see power, grace, efficiency, tenacity.
When I was 80 pounds heavier, I was a "rolling" billboard that seemed to support that medical model of disability. Even while feeling extremely competent and whole internally, the exterior did not match who I had grown to be. I could talk a blue streak about healing and wholeness, but my message lacked veracity when the external "proof" seemed to be lacking.
Finally, the exterior "me" is beginning to catch up to the interior "me". I grow increasingly and *visibly* strong and attractive. Now, I combat the medical model of disability just by going about my life. Now, I may just have a message to deliver that people will be able to hear.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Spewing Joy all Over the Place
Second post today... when you have so much brimming over from inside, it has to spill over somewhere... this seems a good place to allow the overflow of joy.
On Monday, three short days ago, I was deflated after hearing "no" from Sojourners to my application for an internship. Within a short matter of hours, though, things began to turn on a dime, and I am seeing MORE opportunities arising and doors opening than I know what to do with.
On Monday, I complained to a friend that I am like a bottle of soda that's been shaken, and I have all this tension, passion, desire for ministry inside me and it's building to the point of painful pressure. He asked a great question (as he is wont to do!): What do you suppose is the cap on the bottle? And I replied, "Other people who won't let me live fully. Who won't see me as having things to offer. Who won't receive what I have to give. I have the daring and the desire, if people would just give me a chance."
Well, maybe some won't do that, but I have learned with amazed wonder in the ensuing three days, that there are plenty of people who see that I have things to offer and are willing to go very out of their way to foster those possibilities. Professional ministerial types who are not just supporting my exploration of calling, but who are giving me their time, energy,and resources to help me find my path.
I've been offered a part-time job (sorta, almost... we are both wisely praying over it before committing even to an offer, I've been invited to share my story with the youth at my new church and the pastor is spending hours each week helping me find my place of ministry within the Body (he sees me as a leader and is investing in that), I was encouraged today by a new friend and seminary student to pursue seminary or a counseling education. She also strongly encouraged me to apply for a resident chaplain internship at the local university Medical Center.
On top of all this encouragement: I met with the man who is going to repair my vehicle for the cost of parts; I learned that I do have money I can access in a 401-K that could be used for furthering education; renovations have commenced on the office building in preparation for leasing it (extra income stream!)... in short, I see light at the end of the tunnel of financial worries.
And if all that isn't good enough: this was the most beautiful day I've ever seen, especially in contrast to the wild and woolly tornado warning weather of yesterday; my friend A. invited me to go to the beach and camp in her pop-up camper at the end of May (sensing my hesitation, she shared with me that she had a best friend who was a wheelchair user, and she knew exactly what she was offering)and I joyfully accepted; and I participated in a rally to oppose archaic legislation proposed by the state that would make it illegal for an educator to mention homosexuality in the classroom to children younger the High School. Had a lovely time talking with a gay gentleman as we held up signs (mine read: "Standing on the Side of Love") and I got misty, realizing for the first time ever, how wonderful it feels to advocate for those on the margins. I'll be doing more of that in the very near future.
Soooo, from Monday to today... Monday feeling very pinched and constrained. Today feeling like the cap is loosening on the bottle, and beverage is spewing under the seal in every which direction. I think once some of the pressure is released, I'll have a better sense of what direction(s) to pour forth.
I'm in love with my life.
On Monday, three short days ago, I was deflated after hearing "no" from Sojourners to my application for an internship. Within a short matter of hours, though, things began to turn on a dime, and I am seeing MORE opportunities arising and doors opening than I know what to do with.
On Monday, I complained to a friend that I am like a bottle of soda that's been shaken, and I have all this tension, passion, desire for ministry inside me and it's building to the point of painful pressure. He asked a great question (as he is wont to do!): What do you suppose is the cap on the bottle? And I replied, "Other people who won't let me live fully. Who won't see me as having things to offer. Who won't receive what I have to give. I have the daring and the desire, if people would just give me a chance."
Well, maybe some won't do that, but I have learned with amazed wonder in the ensuing three days, that there are plenty of people who see that I have things to offer and are willing to go very out of their way to foster those possibilities. Professional ministerial types who are not just supporting my exploration of calling, but who are giving me their time, energy,and resources to help me find my path.
I've been offered a part-time job (sorta, almost... we are both wisely praying over it before committing even to an offer, I've been invited to share my story with the youth at my new church and the pastor is spending hours each week helping me find my place of ministry within the Body (he sees me as a leader and is investing in that), I was encouraged today by a new friend and seminary student to pursue seminary or a counseling education. She also strongly encouraged me to apply for a resident chaplain internship at the local university Medical Center.
On top of all this encouragement: I met with the man who is going to repair my vehicle for the cost of parts; I learned that I do have money I can access in a 401-K that could be used for furthering education; renovations have commenced on the office building in preparation for leasing it (extra income stream!)... in short, I see light at the end of the tunnel of financial worries.
And if all that isn't good enough: this was the most beautiful day I've ever seen, especially in contrast to the wild and woolly tornado warning weather of yesterday; my friend A. invited me to go to the beach and camp in her pop-up camper at the end of May (sensing my hesitation, she shared with me that she had a best friend who was a wheelchair user, and she knew exactly what she was offering)and I joyfully accepted; and I participated in a rally to oppose archaic legislation proposed by the state that would make it illegal for an educator to mention homosexuality in the classroom to children younger the High School. Had a lovely time talking with a gay gentleman as we held up signs (mine read: "Standing on the Side of Love") and I got misty, realizing for the first time ever, how wonderful it feels to advocate for those on the margins. I'll be doing more of that in the very near future.
Soooo, from Monday to today... Monday feeling very pinched and constrained. Today feeling like the cap is loosening on the bottle, and beverage is spewing under the seal in every which direction. I think once some of the pressure is released, I'll have a better sense of what direction(s) to pour forth.
I'm in love with my life.
Slow Learner
(For G., with regrets)
A blog can be a great source of insights. Reading old posts can reveal patterns, show real growth that's occurred slowly over time, and can reveal entrenched issues.
When I read this post last night,http://paralyzednomore.blogspot.com/2010/12/let.html I was shocked to read the opening paragraph:
Without a doubt, my biggest frustration of 2010, and the biggest life lesson, too, incidentally, is that sometimes, no matter how hard you try or how much you want to work things out with people, they might not want the same thing, and it might not be possible.
And, then this paragraph, that cracked me up (more on that in a minute...):
I have been a bulldog. I detest conflict and relationship ruptures with a vehement passion and probably have been off putting in the past in my zeal to "talk things through." I hate letting things sit unresolved. And, yet, I don't have control of other peoples' free will. (Hey, even God doesn't, and that is some comfort.) This same pattern has developed several times this year, and I may not be totally bright, but, after getting hit over the head a few times with a club, I start to pay attention.
Laughing, sorta..."Oh, REALLY, Lynna, you don't say!" Here I sit in April licking my winds over ANOTHER ruptured relationship that I tried to fix with my steamroller, bulldog persistence. He said he didn't want to work on repair. And rather than respecting that, I tried fifty different angles trying to get him to change his mind. So, a MAJOR life lesson in this for me, is "When do you give up?" I think if the other party says, "NO!", that's probably an appropriate time to accept defeat, grieve the losses, and move on. (Disclaimer... I like the idea, though, that it's not giving up, it's just changing the repair tactics. Rather than a frontal head-on "fix it" approach, a quiet, patient, prayerful "God, help repair this breach" engagement with the conflict can still be active even while being invisible and respectful of the other party's boundaries.)
Sometimes, wellness means I have to sit in the pain of broken relationships. I'm not always good at sitting with the pain, especially when the frustration mounts. My mouth... the one with the sarcastic, biting tongue... can make things worse. Oh, I might momentarily *feel* better for wreaking some pain on the other person who is being so obstinate and hurting me in their refusal to make things better, but, ultimately that momentary release results in long-term spiritual harm.
Pain can be a GREAT teacher and a GREAT motivator of change. My latest experience of a relationship gone south, one that shows no promise whatsoever of having even a crack in the door of being healed, is a huge loss for me. I recognize that my tendency to blame when I am hurt coupled with my refusal to accept anther's "no" for conflict resolution engagement has led to the loss of potentially building a friendship and collegial relationship that would have not only blessed me immeasurably, but it could have been of benefit to the world, through shared calling. If Shakespeare wrote a drama of my life, this would be my tragic flaw.
I'm getting better, marginally, at biting my tongue (to a bloody pulp every once in awhile to keep from flailing it like a rope of barbed wire against the ones I love who are the cause of such pain)and saying, "I don't have control and I just have to wait and hope that things will change someday."
No Control. Waiting. Sitting in Pain. Sucky Life Lessons. But, good lessons to know if one hopes to be well. And I do.
I was slightly awake back in December when I wrote that post. But not awake enough to avoid repeating the same behavioral pattern.
Some practical lessons I can take from this and apply in the future:
1) If somebody says they don't want to work on or be engaged in a relationship with me, it would probably be okay to go back and say, "Are you sure?" and to also express that they always have the option of changing their mind and I will be receptive. (AND being patient and not getting frustrated and angry when they don't avail themselves of that cracked door.So much harder said than done.)
2)LYNNA! NO MORE EMAIL ATTEMPTS AT CONFLICT RESOULUTION. You are a smart woman and you have ample data points to know, email is a very poor means of communicating in the midst of conflict. Repeat after me, dear woman, "Never again. Never again. Never again."
3)I need to grow in my capacity to sit with things not being made right and pray about them instead of acting out.
4)If one email doesn't offer promise of resolution, fifty will just turn a bad situation into a disaster. Get a grip... no more email barrages... ever. Ride your Nustep for ten hours or go outside and scream to the top of your lungs,or whatever it takes to release that frustration, but NO MORE EMAIL!
5)And, no matter how angry and frustrated I am, blaming and sarcastic language might provide a momentary salve, but it creates spiritual ruptures. I need to really delve into "Non-violent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg that's been queued on my Kindle awaiting attention.
Repentance is recognizing your errors and intentionally moving in the opposite direction. Maybe this time I will do that. I don't want to keep having to mourn dead relationships. I don't want to keep hurting people. I don't want to have to circle back to this lesson again. Please, God, help me get it!
A blog can be a great source of insights. Reading old posts can reveal patterns, show real growth that's occurred slowly over time, and can reveal entrenched issues.
When I read this post last night,http://paralyzednomore.blogspot.com/2010/12/let.html I was shocked to read the opening paragraph:
Without a doubt, my biggest frustration of 2010, and the biggest life lesson, too, incidentally, is that sometimes, no matter how hard you try or how much you want to work things out with people, they might not want the same thing, and it might not be possible.
And, then this paragraph, that cracked me up (more on that in a minute...):
I have been a bulldog. I detest conflict and relationship ruptures with a vehement passion and probably have been off putting in the past in my zeal to "talk things through." I hate letting things sit unresolved. And, yet, I don't have control of other peoples' free will. (Hey, even God doesn't, and that is some comfort.) This same pattern has developed several times this year, and I may not be totally bright, but, after getting hit over the head a few times with a club, I start to pay attention.
Laughing, sorta..."Oh, REALLY, Lynna, you don't say!" Here I sit in April licking my winds over ANOTHER ruptured relationship that I tried to fix with my steamroller, bulldog persistence. He said he didn't want to work on repair. And rather than respecting that, I tried fifty different angles trying to get him to change his mind. So, a MAJOR life lesson in this for me, is "When do you give up?" I think if the other party says, "NO!", that's probably an appropriate time to accept defeat, grieve the losses, and move on. (Disclaimer... I like the idea, though, that it's not giving up, it's just changing the repair tactics. Rather than a frontal head-on "fix it" approach, a quiet, patient, prayerful "God, help repair this breach" engagement with the conflict can still be active even while being invisible and respectful of the other party's boundaries.)
Sometimes, wellness means I have to sit in the pain of broken relationships. I'm not always good at sitting with the pain, especially when the frustration mounts. My mouth... the one with the sarcastic, biting tongue... can make things worse. Oh, I might momentarily *feel* better for wreaking some pain on the other person who is being so obstinate and hurting me in their refusal to make things better, but, ultimately that momentary release results in long-term spiritual harm.
Pain can be a GREAT teacher and a GREAT motivator of change. My latest experience of a relationship gone south, one that shows no promise whatsoever of having even a crack in the door of being healed, is a huge loss for me. I recognize that my tendency to blame when I am hurt coupled with my refusal to accept anther's "no" for conflict resolution engagement has led to the loss of potentially building a friendship and collegial relationship that would have not only blessed me immeasurably, but it could have been of benefit to the world, through shared calling. If Shakespeare wrote a drama of my life, this would be my tragic flaw.
I'm getting better, marginally, at biting my tongue (to a bloody pulp every once in awhile to keep from flailing it like a rope of barbed wire against the ones I love who are the cause of such pain)and saying, "I don't have control and I just have to wait and hope that things will change someday."
No Control. Waiting. Sitting in Pain. Sucky Life Lessons. But, good lessons to know if one hopes to be well. And I do.
I was slightly awake back in December when I wrote that post. But not awake enough to avoid repeating the same behavioral pattern.
Some practical lessons I can take from this and apply in the future:
1) If somebody says they don't want to work on or be engaged in a relationship with me, it would probably be okay to go back and say, "Are you sure?" and to also express that they always have the option of changing their mind and I will be receptive. (AND being patient and not getting frustrated and angry when they don't avail themselves of that cracked door.So much harder said than done.)
2)LYNNA! NO MORE EMAIL ATTEMPTS AT CONFLICT RESOULUTION. You are a smart woman and you have ample data points to know, email is a very poor means of communicating in the midst of conflict. Repeat after me, dear woman, "Never again. Never again. Never again."
3)I need to grow in my capacity to sit with things not being made right and pray about them instead of acting out.
4)If one email doesn't offer promise of resolution, fifty will just turn a bad situation into a disaster. Get a grip... no more email barrages... ever. Ride your Nustep for ten hours or go outside and scream to the top of your lungs,or whatever it takes to release that frustration, but NO MORE EMAIL!
5)And, no matter how angry and frustrated I am, blaming and sarcastic language might provide a momentary salve, but it creates spiritual ruptures. I need to really delve into "Non-violent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg that's been queued on my Kindle awaiting attention.
Repentance is recognizing your errors and intentionally moving in the opposite direction. Maybe this time I will do that. I don't want to keep having to mourn dead relationships. I don't want to keep hurting people. I don't want to have to circle back to this lesson again. Please, God, help me get it!
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