Slow Learner

(For G., with regrets)

A blog can be a great source of insights. Reading old posts can reveal patterns, show real growth that's occurred slowly over time, and can reveal entrenched issues.

When I read this post last night,http://paralyzednomore.blogspot.com/2010/12/let.html I was shocked to read the opening paragraph:

Without a doubt, my biggest frustration of 2010, and the biggest life lesson, too, incidentally, is that sometimes, no matter how hard you try or how much you want to work things out with people, they might not want the same thing, and it might not be possible.

And, then this paragraph, that cracked me up (more on that in a minute...):

I have been a bulldog. I detest conflict and relationship ruptures with a vehement passion and probably have been off putting in the past in my zeal to "talk things through." I hate letting things sit unresolved. And, yet, I don't have control of other peoples' free will. (Hey, even God doesn't, and that is some comfort.) This same pattern has developed several times this year, and I may not be totally bright, but, after getting hit over the head a few times with a club, I start to pay attention.

Laughing, sorta..."Oh, REALLY, Lynna, you don't say!" Here I sit in April licking my winds over ANOTHER ruptured relationship that I tried to fix with my steamroller, bulldog persistence. He said he didn't want to work on repair. And rather than respecting that, I tried fifty different angles trying to get him to change his mind. So, a MAJOR life lesson in this for me, is "When do you give up?" I think if the other party says, "NO!", that's probably an appropriate time to accept defeat, grieve the losses, and move on. (Disclaimer... I like the idea, though, that it's not giving up, it's just changing the repair tactics. Rather than a frontal head-on "fix it" approach, a quiet, patient, prayerful "God, help repair this breach" engagement with the conflict can still be active even while being invisible and respectful of the other party's boundaries.)

Sometimes, wellness means I have to sit in the pain of broken relationships. I'm not always good at sitting with the pain, especially when the frustration mounts. My mouth... the one with the sarcastic, biting tongue... can make things worse. Oh, I might momentarily *feel* better for wreaking some pain on the other person who is being so obstinate and hurting me in their refusal to make things better, but, ultimately that momentary release results in long-term spiritual harm.

Pain can be a GREAT teacher and a GREAT motivator of change. My latest experience of a relationship gone south, one that shows no promise whatsoever of having even a crack in the door of being healed, is a huge loss for me. I recognize that my tendency to blame when I am hurt coupled with my refusal to accept anther's "no" for conflict resolution engagement has led to the loss of potentially building a friendship and collegial relationship that would have not only blessed me immeasurably, but it could have been of benefit to the world, through shared calling. If Shakespeare wrote a drama of my life, this would be my tragic flaw.

I'm getting better, marginally, at biting my tongue (to a bloody pulp every once in awhile to keep from flailing it like a rope of barbed wire against the ones I love who are the cause of such pain)and saying, "I don't have control and I just have to wait and hope that things will change someday."

No Control. Waiting. Sitting in Pain. Sucky Life Lessons. But, good lessons to know if one hopes to be well. And I do.

I was slightly awake back in December when I wrote that post. But not awake enough to avoid repeating the same behavioral pattern.

Some practical lessons I can take from this and apply in the future:

1) If somebody says they don't want to work on or be engaged in a relationship with me, it would probably be okay to go back and say, "Are you sure?" and to also express that they always have the option of changing their mind and I will be receptive. (AND being patient and not getting frustrated and angry when they don't avail themselves of that cracked door.So much harder said than done.)
2)LYNNA! NO MORE EMAIL ATTEMPTS AT CONFLICT RESOULUTION. You are a smart woman and you have ample data points to know, email is a very poor means of communicating in the midst of conflict. Repeat after me, dear woman, "Never again. Never again. Never again."
3)I need to grow in my capacity to sit with things not being made right and pray about them instead of acting out.
4)If one email doesn't offer promise of resolution, fifty will just turn a bad situation into a disaster. Get a grip... no more email barrages... ever. Ride your Nustep for ten hours or go outside and scream to the top of your lungs,or whatever it takes to release that frustration, but NO MORE EMAIL!
5)And, no matter how angry and frustrated I am, blaming and sarcastic language might provide a momentary salve, but it creates spiritual ruptures. I need to really delve into "Non-violent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg that's been queued on my Kindle awaiting attention.

Repentance is recognizing your errors and intentionally moving in the opposite direction. Maybe this time I will do that. I don't want to keep having to mourn dead relationships. I don't want to keep hurting people. I don't want to have to circle back to this lesson again. Please, God, help me get it!