Closed Doors, A Pity Party, and Fresh Hope!

Yesterday I learned that I was not under consideration for a year-long internship position with an organization in Washington D.C.

And, oh how my heart hurt to read the email... I hadn't realized how badly I wanted that opportunity, that adventure. I wanted my risk-taking to "pay off". Lately, it has seemed like risk-taking has just led to heaping servings of suffering, and I was ready for God to say, "See, Lynna, you just have to persevere. Never stop taking risks, because sometimes they lead to so much joy you can't contain it all!"

Not this time, though.

And I sat at my computer and shed a few hot tears, and allowed myself about an hour to have a pity party. "See, Lynna, you don't really have anything to offer. All you will ever do/be is a sunbathing, govt check drawing gimp. You are washed up. Useless. Cast off."

Adding ire to my pain, my friend A. had asked me to attend a taping that evening of her sermon on Mary Magdalene for her seminary class. One of her final remarks was about paying attention to the intersection between where you have suffered and healed, where the world is hurting, and serving in that intersected space. Being bold and taking risks."Because the world needs more people fully alive!", she ended. And I thought, "Yeh, right. As long as you are able-bodied, young and strong. People won't let me be fully alive!"

BUT A! What do you do when you throw yourself out there, offering your life, and hear "no". How many times do you do that before you give up, before you accept that the "universe" doesn't have plans for you? That you aren't allowed to live fully alive?

Ugh. I wasn't in a very good place, was I?

And within a 24 hour span of time, God has turned that all around... my thinking and attitude, that is! Today, I am in an extraordinarily hopeful place, with the puzzle pieces aligning for a lovely picture of a fulfilling, challenging, EXCITING future...

Stay tuned... will share more later.