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As a result of losing so much weight AND becoming more aware of my body, even growing in appreciation of it, I am also growing as a sexual being.

At 250 pounds, the last thing I felt was sexy. The last thing I thought about was sex. I thought that I was out of the game because of my disability, and I think I allowed myself to gain so much weight as a way of shielding myself from that pain. With the pounds as armor, I didn't have to risk rejection.

At 170 pounds, let's just say, I'm getting my "mojo" back, and while this is a huge gift, it is also one that comes with alot of risks and potential to be messy, painful, and even harmful. I would even go so far to say that it has the potential to challenge my faithfulness. Scratch that. It HAS challenged my faithfulness.

When I was so overweight, and so cut-off from my own sexuality, it was difficult for me to understand (and to remember) the temptations people face as hormones and emotions rage. I get it now. And it's messy, isn't it?

Christians are prudes when it comes to sex. We don't talk about it. We just teach our kids not to do it before marriage and that's about the only way the subject comes up at church. (That, and homosexuality.) We don't acknowledge that this potent force stirs in our depths. We don't acknowledge that it has vast potential for harm and for joy. We don't allow each other into those places to share our common humanity, struggles, concerns, joys, fears surrounding sexuality. (Shhh. We don't talk about things like that here. This is holy ground. HUH? Didn't God create sex? Isn't sex probably the most holy ground of all where we enter into something that is akin to the forces of love, creativity, union that are at the foundation of creation and the nature of God? And we don't talk about it!!! Why?)

As I begin receiving back again the gift of my sexuality, it is messy. Who am I? How do I exist in the world? How do I interact with men now? What new boundaries need to be in place? (At 250 pounds and disabled, I never felt a need to concern myself with boundaries, propriety, sending the right signals, etc.) If I smile at a man now, does that carry a sexual charge that it previously did not? As a sexual woman with a disability how does that change how I am perceived and how I should be? How do people do this mating ritual thing in ways that are emotionally, physically, relationally, and spiritually healthy? Little questions.

My first go-around, back in my 20s, with dating, was replete with bad choices. Bad in the sense that my sexual choices harmed my self-esteem and took the good gift of sexuality outside the boundaries God has set to keep it safe, pleasurable, life-giving and a source of joy. In short, I used sex to try to gain affirmation.

I've recently seen that as I enter the dating world in middle-age, I have potential to repeat those exact same patterns from thirty years ago. (I was amazed how similar a recent relationship was to the first one I had at age 18. How can it be that with all the life experiences, wisdom, maturity etc. that I have, I could act, respond,react and make exactly the same mistakes. Have I learned nothing?)

Apparently there are some life lessons that I have not learned, and life is circling back to those places for do-overs. THIS TIME, however, even if I repeat the same patterns, make the same mistakes, do the same harm, I think I am awake, paying attention, and have vastly more potential to grow and to change. Hopefully, I'll make a mistake just ONE time, and eek every iota of wisdom and positive change I can from it.

As I grow comfortable being a sexual being, and dressing and acting in such ways that convey that comfort, how will things change?

There are two big risks:
1) I will risk being sexually attractive and find out that men are not attracted
OR
2) I will take the same risk, find out that (some) men ARE attracted AND FIND OUT THAT OPENS HUGE OPPORTUNITIES FOR PAIN, JOY, AND GROWTH. This journey isn't for the faint of heart!

Life was much simpler 80 pounds ago.