Evolution of Wellness

Slave to Beauty:
Teenage and College Years through early thirties
Mindset: I'm only beautiful if...I am a size 8 or less and I can hide my physical flaws (missing toenail, curved right foot, surgery-scarred left foot and back, slight limp.) I'm only worthy if I can appear physically perfect (by hiding the "shameful" flaws) and by being thin.
Outward Manifestations: Attractive, normal, good weight
Attitude towards Makeup, Clothes: I need these to mask my shameful secret... the genetic disease. I need cute clothes and makeup to compensate. I need to be thin to be loved... maybe that will override the disability factor.
Attitude towards Food and Exercise: Gotta exercise to beat back the neurological disease. Can't let it win. Gotta diet. If I don't stay slim, I won't be loved.
Attitude towards Beauty in others: YOU are only worthy and lovable if you are thinner than me, more attractive than me. But I won't really be able to love you, because I'll hate you for being better than me. And if you are uglier than me, I don't really want to associate with you because I might be tarred by the same "ugly" brush.
Attitude towards God: Who needs God? I've got myself.

Rebel against Beauty:
Early thirties to Mid-Forties
Mindset: I'm only beautiful if ... Forget about it! There is no freakin' way I can be beautiful. I've lost the battle. My disability is growing increasingly visible and everybody can now see how really hideous I am.
Outward Manifestations: Less and less attention to appearance. Stopped wearing makeup and jewelry. Stopped ironing clothes. Stopped shopping unless absolutely necessary. Progressive weight gain. Just put on something to cover the body.
Attitude towards Makeup, Clothes: What's the use.
Attitude towards Food and Exercise: Eat at will to medicate the emotional pain. Exercise? Are you crazy? I can't exercise. I'm a crip. And besides that, all the things I used to be able to do, like hiking, are growing impossible, and when I try and fail, I slide so deep into depression than I just eat more. so why try to move my body?
Attitude towards Beauty in Others: You are all more beautiful than me because you are normal and I am not. And I hate you all. Oh, except for you really freaky people with REAL disabilities who are just unspeakably ugly. Attitude towards God: Heal me. I can't stand being so ugly. Make me beautiful again.

Freedom to Be Beautiful!!!
Mid forties
Mindset: I'm only beautiful if... I listen to God telling me it is so and if I choose to believe God.
Outward Manifestations: Losing weight. Smiling more.
Attitude towards Makeup, Clothes, Jewelry: LOVE THEM! Love accessorizing outfits. Love wearing cute clothes. FUN!!! "Look at me" earrings. Fun chunky pink pearls. Bold pink over sized shoulder bag. All day long shopping expeditions.
Attitude towards Food and Exercise: It's a blast to lose weight and to grow increasingly healthier and more attractive. I'm already beautiful, but let's just see how beautiful I can become. Veggies are a gift of self-love to myself. "Bad foods" become gifts from God when used in moderation and balance. Exercise is necessary to be healthy. I'm gonna do it even if it's not always fun, because it is good.
Attitude towards Beauty in Others: See beauty in grace, courage, smiles, generosity, service, patience, kindness. A severely disabled woman in a wheelchair is potentially as beautiful as a beauty queen, and a beauty queen is potentially as beautiful as a severely disabled women in a wheelchair.
Attitude towards God: God, you are so beautiful it blows my mind.

Love Hunger

I am discovering that deep, meaningful time with people I love... the kind wherein we bare our souls, laugh heartily, cry readily, probe spiritual depths, break bread, resolve conflicts, and conspire to love and serve others... is one of my best practice of self-care. The sense of well-being that comes from loving and being loved, knowing and being known, fosters life. When love feeds the hungers, counting calories becomes unnecessary. Food is restored to its rightful place as a gift from God to be enjoyed and is no longer needed to fill the voids.

I suspect that our trend of increasing obesity in the United States could easily be correlated with our culture's increasing isolation and loss of connection/community. We eat because we're starved for love.

I wonder if we spent less time at the gym and used that time meaningfully with others, and if we focused on increasing our uptake of hugs instead of obsessing about decreasing our consumption of calories, if we wouldn't find our bodies returning to a natural state of health.

This past week has been a difficult one. I'm involved in a situation of being a change-agent and there is considerable push back. It has been stressful dealing with unhappy people, but interestingly, I observe that I haven't decompressed through eating. I have better medication now. No, not Lexapro or Zoloft. It's love...from people who rearranged their schedules to sit with me while I cried, who prayed for me while they jogged,who gave me home-smoked bar-b-q, fixed my scooter, and bought me cute clothes at the thrift-store. It's love... that I gave to people through listening, speaking truth, and meeting needs. It's love from God... who reminded me that Love Wins. With love like that in my life, who needs chocolate cake?

Self-care is not something I can do alone. Self-care requires community... community that I can love and that can love me. Maybe I'm getting healthier because my connections with other people continue to grow in frequency and in depth. The Love Diet. Love Liberally. Love Lavishly. Feast. And be Satisfied.

Razzle Dazzle

I ordered a stunning fashion accessory today to go with the new and improved me. It's shiny purple... razzleberry, to be exact. I had my choice of colors: candy apple red, toxic green (which I considered for shock value), UT orange (which I did NOT consider), and sedate black opal. So what is this new fashion accessory? A sweater? nah. Earrings? nope. I know, a purse? Good guess, but no.



It's a new set of wheels... as in wheelchair. Now, a razzleberry wheelchair might not sound like an exciting new accoutrement, but I assure you it is thrilling. I HAD NO IDEA HOW MUCH FUN IT COULD BE TO DRIVE A GOOD SET OF WHEELS! For the test drive, I took off soaring down the hallway, and the PT yelled after me, "You have to come back! We have your purse!" Reluctantly, I returned to her office and switched back to my second-hand, beat-up chair. I'm counting the days until my tailor-made chair arrives (about 90).



I just want to say that anybody who uses the terminology "wheelchair bound" has never experienced the thrill of a streamlined, ergonomic, light-weight, spoke-wheeled, purple wheelchair. Seriously.



The PT has a photo of a smiling Guatamalan teen in a wheelchair on her bulletin board. This young woman with Cerebral Palsy received her first wheelchair at the age of 19 through the Joni and Friends Wheels to the World ministry. Prior to this, she had to be carried on somebody's back or had to crawl on the dirt floor in her home. I defy anybody to look at her radiant smile and use "wheelchair bound". Absolutely, amazingly wheelchair freed!



I may know a little of what she experienced. And it's pretty darn cool. For those of you who know me in person, consider this fair warning: I get my wheelchair in about 3 months, and it's so fast and so much fun, you had better be prepared to move out of my way if you don't want to be knocked skyward like toppling bowling pins. Just kidding. I won't run you over... I want you to be able to tell me how dazzling you find my razzleberry chair. And I need to get your advice: Do you think toxic green crutches might go with razzleberry purple?