Dad Gum Good Lookin'!

I've been pretty slack this past week about my exercise routine. I joined an Internet dating website, and, may I just say, it's a little bit addictive... at least for an approval addict like myself. (Once an addict, always an addict. I'm finding that approval is probably for me like Crack is to a cocaine addict. One little hit, and I'm really easily swept into the stream.) As such, it has been alot more fun this past week to chat with men who approached me with "You are beautiful" and "Your smile is breathtaking", and... than it has been to be disciplined with my wonderful and life giving exercise routine.

Definitely a case of choosing poorly, as I see it. The healthy choice... disciplined exercise... that fosters physical, emotional, and spiritual well being, versus talking to a bunch of men who ALL have the exact same profile:

"Honest man seeking my best friend to cuddle on the couch with me."

I asked some male friends to give me a read on that statement, to which they replied, "Oh honey, that just means they want to take their clothes off and get laid."

Sigh.

This has been a very, very interesting learning laboratory (see if you don't agree):

One man wants to move from Virginia and be my caretaker... man! he can cook and fix computers, too!

Another man,age 78, wants to wheel me around in my wheelchair... that sounds dangerous!

Two different men, both with broken English, sounding middle-eastern, (yet with VERY Caucasion photos), want a mum for their little children whose mommies died. (Definitely stalkerish and red flag material)

Several twenty-somethings apparently have a thing for middle-aged women in wheelchairs...

A man who told me I was "dad gum good lookin'" and he would never have to worry about me running around on him... (such an insulting assumption... that nobody else in the entire world would hit on me!)

The man who wrote: "Oh angel baby, it would complete my life to take care of you for the rest of it!")

And on and on it goes... definitely not territory for the faint of heart.

Oh yeh, so while this has been interesting, I'm ready to put it on the shelf and get back to what I know offers wellness... taking care of myself and taking care of others.

And while it has been extremely eye-opening, this Internet dating foray, I think I'm going to pursue relationships the old-fashioned way... flirtatiously rolling over the toes of an attractive man at Home Depot.

I dare!

Joined an internet dating service. All I can say, is dear Lord, this is an experience. Should only be dared by somebody who has the ability to laugh and who has well-honed self-preservation instincts. (There are some seriously evil people in the world... who see a woman in a wheelchair as prey. On the opposite end of the spectrum, there are some seriously lovely men who are blessing my socks off.) Had a first date last night with one of the good ones. And it was lovely. (It was so wonderful knowing that I am at an attractive, even if not yet ideal, weight. While with him, I felt beautiful and sexy.)

And so goes forward my 2011 of saying "yes" to healthy adventures. Next week, a date with another man to go to the mountains on Saturday. So much fun. Who knew?

Dare I Dare?

Dating, as I understand it, is difficult for most divorced, middle-aged individuals who begin entering the male-female relationship arena after decades of being removed from the game.

That is certainly no less difficult (she says with irony)for a divorced, middle-aged wheelchair user.

While waiting for our table at nice restaurant tonight, my friend and I got a glass of wine and waited in the bar area. AND, a very physically fit, uber-ablebodied man struck up a conversation with me.

It was only later, when Sally pointed out his interest, that I realized he had been angling to get my phone number. It was almost comical how inept I was at recognizing the signals he was sending. Life was definitely less complicated in this regard when I was seriously overweight and never had these kinds of issues to process.

As Helen Keller once said, "Life is a daring adventure, or nothing at all."

Not sure if I am up to this daring adventure into which I seem to be swept!

Prettiest Person in a Wheelchair!

Adorable freshman girl at tonight's youth meeting at church: "You are the prettiest person I've ever seen in a wheelchair!"

I admit it. I am a sucker for a good compliment. Heck, I'll probably glow over that one alone for a good week or two. (Hmmmm. Wonder who she has seen in a wheelchair... lol.)

Loving every minute spent with the youth at my new church, and really beginning to bond with many of the girls. Feel like I am floating on a grace cloud. So much love.

Love really does fill the holes in my soul that I formerly filled with overeating.

Wow! This has been one heckuva' abundant day. It began with an extraordinary meeting with a colleague at Panera (my new office!) to discuss next steps for initiating a faith-based ministry to provide a safety net and support for people who are "couch homeless" (bouncing from house to house relying on the good graces of family and friends who will take them in for a time). We envisioned changing the entire futures of children who can know more than hopeless entrenchment in poverty as their parents find new hope, skills and encouragement out of the pit. That discussion alone would have made for a phenomenal day, but there was more, much, much more.

My colleague noticed that the label inserted in my 3-ring binder containing my homeless ministry notes said "Joni and Friends", a leftover remant from earlier days in ministry wherein I had explored a possible ministry connection with disability ministry. She asked me if I was going to the fundraiser/banquet in Knoxville tonight at which Joni Earekson-Tada would be speaking. Get out! I had no idea this was occurring. Turns out, my friend had reluctantly purchased a ticket from a friend, but had no interest in attending. Of course, she offered it to me, and I jumped. Seldom do things seems so clear and so ordained.

Truly a "goosebumps" evening. Made and renewed significant contacts with personnel at the Knoxille office. (The Director remembered my name, remembered Mariposa Ministry, and had been thinking of me days earlier. I hadn't seen her in 5 years or more!)What's afoot, God?????

More: I was offered a job working with a best buddy doing productive "tent-making" work to support our ministry callings. This will be a key piece of the puzzle allowing me some financial wiggle-room to return to school should I finally determine that is the path forward.

More: While rolling at the river, I came across a case manager walking with a group of people with mental illnesses from a local hospital. He said, "I know you, you were at the UU Maundy Thursday service." "That's right, I was. I'm surprised you remember." "Well, you are pretty memorable in the wheelchair, and, besides that, I washed your foot."

Yes, folks, he was the man who washed my *foot* at the footwashing during that service. (Why we just washed one foot, I don't know... but that's not really germaine to the story!)

I ask you: How many people do you think were exercising today who encountered another person who said, "Hey, I know you! I washed your foot!"? (This appeals to my sense of humor and just makes me grin. What delicious fun I have at my river.)

And in reflecting on this day, I realize that I have never been more content, more at peace, more purposeful, more joyful, and more certain of God's presence and love, than I am at this very moment in time. I am living expansively, abundantly, creatively, and daringly. And it is wonderful beyond my wildest dreams.

Thank you, God.

Filling Voids with Love Instead of Food

I grow increasingly convinced, especially through reading dieting blogs, that diet and exercise might be adequate for a time to lose weight, but deeper emotional/spiritual work must also be done in order to affect long-term change and in order to maintain new eating habits and to fill the "holes in the soul" that were formerly filled by food. Otherwise, the crack in the door of eating that occurs with transition off of a diet leads to the door being blasted off the hinges and full-out binge. Full-out return to the addictive behavior.

I'm glad to say that the past six weeks (? about?) since I stopped Medifast and returned to eating whole foods, have NOT resulted in my former eating habits. It's too early to tell, but I feel like I am in a really good place where food is concerned and it seems like I've internalized the desire for healthy foods. I literally prefer a banana to a cookie (because I know it makes my body healthier and I love my body) or cooked cabbage to a baked potato.

I eat like all those people who used to mystify me... the ones who would pass on food if they weren't hungry and when they did eat, stopped when they were physically full. Food is no longer my means of self-medicating my emotional needs. I'm growing increasingly content with my life: finding fulfillment in serving, engaged in healthy relationships, always open to opportunities for growing; lots of interactions with people.

And that is the key: Before, I ate because I didn't love myself and I feared people. Now, loving myself, and being open to loving relationships is what fills that former void that food once filled. When I go rolling at the river and engage in deep and meaningful conversations with new acquaintances, that fills me in exactly the same way eating a whole pie would have done before. Connection with people is what my soul has always longed for, and when I felt so not Okay, and when I feared rejection by people, food was a "safe" substitute for that emotional/relational void.

It feels like things are in much better alignment with love of self and love of others filling me up so much that there isn't room to be over-stuffed with food.

Time will tell...

Wonder What They'll Say at 100 Pounds Lost

I haven't weighed myself since I began this journey. I know what my starting weight was, roughtly, and I know a mid-way number obtained in February through participating in a research project that required a weigh-in. Aside from that,the numbers on the scales have been a non-existent factor. AND I LOVE THAT! I have lost over 80 pounds without being a slave to a number on a digital read-out.

I suggest, however, that there is a way to tell how much weight has been lost according to this scale. I call it the "Comments Scale".

20 Pounds Lost: You look good. Are you dieting.
45 Pounds Lost: You look Great!
60 Pounds Lost: You look Amazing!
80 Pounds Lost: You look Stunning, Gorgeous, Wow!

People, you had me at "great". hehe

I just got home from a shopping trip for makeup,lotion, lingerie, and cosmetics. It is so much fun indulging in "girly" stuff, feeling beautiful, and rolling through the stores feeling attractive and confident.

I didn't know what I had been missing, and believing I could never feel this way again, I had put beauty aside, convincing myself that life was full enough taking care of other people and loving and being loved as a very overweight woman.

That was ok, and, yes, an obese woman can lead a full and productive life. (If she is healthy, which I was increasingly not!)However, I've been there, and I'm now here, and here is infinitely more fun and satisfying.