Bathing Suit!

One of my favorite memories is a shopping expedition (and I DO mean expedition!) for a bathing suit when my daughter was about 5. She loved pulling the most flamboyant suits from the racks for my perusal (she still has that Bohemian flair!)and I told her, "Kelly, Mommy prefers simple black suits because they are slimming."

While in the fitting room, I looked over at her to see her little nose wrinkled and a most quizzical expression on her face. "Mommy, I thought you said black would make you look skinny." Mommies aren't supposed to lie to their little girls!

This past weekend during one of my "junking forays" at thrift stores, the PERFECT bathing suit launched from the rack into my arms. Perfect size (14), perfect style(halter neck, flirty skirt), perfect color( black/white/silver hibiscus print), perfect condition (not sure it has ever been worn!)... I loved every bit of that bathing suit, and took it home for a mere three bucks. (In my former life, I spent big bucks for a bathing suit and only after trying on about 30 to find one that suited.)I was delighted to try it on at home to find that it fit perfectly, and I'll be darned if it didn't look darned good (and slimming, Kelly!)

I wore it outside today for sunning on my back deck on a beautiful sunny day (after a week of cold rain), and began dreaming of trips to the lake this summer.

After about a decade of being too embarrassed to wear a bathing suit, I am ready to enjoy this summer and can't wait to go swimming! My legs are getting stronger as I lose weight and exercise, and I believe that which was impossible before will now be very do-able!!!

A Learning Curve

There is a dizzying amount of information on nutrition, food, herbs and supplements. It all makes my head swim a little bit and pains me to realize that however much I know/learn about nutrition, I will likely fall short of accessing the best diet possible.

I have to tell myself that "perfection" isn't the goal, but making better informed and healthier food choices IS what I am seeking.

This past weekend, I went to the Walmart grocery for the first time in about six months. (While I was doing Medifast, Jeff did all the grocery shopping. It was simple... chicken, fish, some fresh veggies each week. Now, though, I wanted to go and see what options were readily available... wondering, for example, if Walmart carried flax seed, greek yogurt,tofu,fresh salmon, etc.)

It was amazing to see that MOST of the *food* in the store was highly processed and heavily laden with additives. I would guess that 20% of the food was in its natural state (ie a potato and not potato chips). Would you believe that there was a 3 gallon container of orange cheese puffs? Seriously! Who would put that in their body, especially in such massive amounts? I walked through the store as though on a treasure hunt, with the treasure being healthy food in the midst of the sea of Little Debbie cakes, powdered donuts, pizza, candy, hamburger helper, etc.

It took some work to find food that was reasonably healthy, and most of my cart was filled from the produce aisle. Next week, I'll be shopping at Kroger to see if better options exist there. Otherwise, it will probably be worth the extra expense to travel to Knoxville to seek the whole foods that I want to eat.

So far today, I've eaten:
Breakfast: multigrain cheerios, skim milk
Snack: Banana
Lunch: Spinach, garlic, mushrooms, 1 T ground flax seed stir fried in 1 T olive oil with 3 oz mozzarella (Sooooo delicious!)
Snack: Orange

I LOVE eating a wide variety of fruits and vegetables and making them the cornerstone of my diet. And after 9 months on Medifast, a sweet potato or a banana is like eating chocolate cake. And I love the quest to learn all I can about nutrition and to maximize the potential for eating a healthy diet. (Within reason and within the limits of my pocketbook. It IS cheaper to eat boxed macaroni/cheese and raman noodles than salmon and blueberries. It's no wonder that people on limited incomes have difficulties with obesity and poor nutrition.) Hmmm. My next Google search: Nutritious Inexpensive Food

"Running" at the Track

This morning I did something I haven't done in YEARS! I set my alarm clock so I could get up and exercise. My lovely daughter had asked me to accompany her to the track this morning... she jogged while I rolled in my wheelchair.

I LOVED it. I wheeled over a mile and sometimes Kelly would alternate walking along beside me with jogging ahead and we had a nice time talking.

It was such a rush going to a running track and exercising. I felt like a jock. I loved being outdoors and pushing my body to go faster and to see how far I could go.

Definitely something I intend to continue doing!

After all those years of physical decline, increasing girth, and poor body image, it is an amazing thing to see myself becoming fit and even more amazing to *feel* like I could become an athlete... strong, thin, lithe, healthy.

I am currently exercising 2 hours a day, at least... 1 1/2 hours of aerobic activity and 1/2 hour of using resistance bands. The greeter at Walmart asked me last night if I might be eligible for a motorized wheelchair. I told her that I vastly preferred moving under my own steam. (I know there are many people who can't do that and motorized chairs are a godsend; but, for me, I love the feeling of mastering the wheelchair... finally... and becoming athletic with it.

Thanks, Kelly, for getting me to that track this morning!

My Sweet Boy

Jeff had the day off work today... and like most 22 year-old boys with Spring fever, he had one thing on his brain: to go to Home Depot to buy flowers to plant in his mother's window boxes! (Yep, that's my boy! Made his mother very happy and proud!)

While he planted them on the back deck, I worked feverishly to clean the screened porch that was sadly bedraggled and dirty after a winter of neglect. The neighbors threw ball for our black Lab (you can't imagine how much joy that brings this particular retriever), the sun shone beautifully, and, it was one of those days that just feels happy.

Here's what it all looked like at the end of the day:


Another View:


And finally, the "happy flags" I made last summer:



Saving the best for last: Here's a picture of Jeff and the animals taking a late afternoon siesta after a fun day working and playing in the sun: (picture quality not great... black Lab, white cat, snoozing boy... just out of camera-range, snoozing gray cat on coffee table... as restful a scene as I've ever seen!)



Son just left for grocery to get ingredients to make Chicken Parmesan.Daughter told me she plans to move home for the summer (woot!)

This had been an A+ day. Wellness abounds. (Thank you God for all this grace. I love you.)

Spring: New Life

One year ago today: Click here...
Spring Thaw


One year! One year since I resumed blogging and, more importantly, resumed my fitness journey! I sit here today in my beautiful little cottage with sunshine, blue skies, 70-something degrees, and with fresh spring breezes playing with the drapes (Okay, keeping it real... the garbage cans just outside the windows are crying for some bleach action...the gentle breezes are doing more than making the curtains dance, they occasionally assault my nose! ha. ahh, spring cleaning, I LOVE it!)

One year ago... I still get misty-eyed remembering the pain. I felt like I had been through some kind of spiritual and emotional assault that had left me shell-shocked. Compounding the pain, my physical state was critically unhealthy, family crisis abounded, and financial crisis loomed. It was a most low point in my life.

I did what everybody does when they get in such a low place: I exercised and started eating better. (Kidding... not about doing that, but about people choosing that path when they are in the pits.) Amazingly, and only now really beginning to pay attention to my body's signals, an hour or more of exercise a day was like a physical/spiritual/emotional pep pill... I don't know enough about body chemistry to comment here scientifically, but I can say authoritatively that exercise pulled me out of the pit and set my feet firmly on the path towards welless. I began to FEEL better. I began to lose weight. I began to have hope. I began again to be creative, to laugh, to enjoy, to hope.

It has been a long road this past year. In many ways, it has felt simultaneously like I was hopelessly adrift in a sea without water (an abysss)... desperately lost in a bleak wilderness AND on a salvific pathway towards life and wellness. It makes my head hurt trying to understand the tension therein; so, I choose to stop dissecting the experience for understanding, and just make observations about it. Someday, I may have more enlightenment to understand it better; but, for now, I just accept it for what it is: a mixed bag of death and life... hmmm... maybe death and resurrection.

Today, as I listen to birdsong outside my windows (oh my, the grass needs mowed and the back porch swept!), I am just happy to be on the journey. Happy to be 70-75 pounds lighter and light-years healthier than I was a year ago. Happy that I am alive and learning how to be well.

Life is a gift. (Even when it feels like an empty sea!~)

Changing the Family Tree

My kids are watching. How do I know? My son has started running everyday and is making changes in his eating habits... curtailing fast food and making healthier choices. He is very low-key about it, and I try not to comment too much, but this is thrilling!!!

My daughter invited me to go out to dinner tonight with her best friend and her mother because the girls had a proposition they wanted to make to both of their moms. UHOH! You wouldn't believe all the possibilities that crossed my mind!!! (They graduate high school at the end of May and I was envisioning a proposal for a summer hiking trip across the country, or joining the Red Cross to help with disaster relief in Japan, or... with those two, my imagination was likely lacking.)

Here it is: They invited both of their moms to join them in a quest to lose weight and work on fitness between now and graduation and then for the four of us to go on a celebratory beach vacation to show-off our new and improved bathing-suit glamorous bodies!!! (I suggested that we extend it until mid-June to give a few more weeks to the effort.)

Oh, the thousand levels of delight this evoked in my soul!!!

I was so proud of them! Rather than wanting a "Biggest Loser" contest, they proposed that we approach this as a team effort wherein we provide each other with liberal support and "high-fives". AND A MOM/DAUGHTER BEACH TRIP at the end! (My 18 year-old daughter WANTS to vacation with her mother! WOW!)

I am so happy right now! Not only have I turned the ship on my own health and am sailing in healthier seas; the unplanned side-benefit is that my kids have decided to sail along with me.

Shhh. Don't tell them I'm blogging about this. I don't want to scare them away.

Birth Pains: 9 months on Medifast

Upon deciding that Medifast is too expensive for a woman on a limited income, I sent J to the store to purchase Slimfast bars, which are about 50% less expensive than Medifast. Unfortunately, upon comparing the nutritional content listed on the labels, the products may have similar calories, but the composition is vastly different.

Slimfast bars: Main ingredient sugar; only 1 gram of protein; 1 gram of fiber; 10% of most vitamins/ mineral; tiny bars of 23 grams

Medifast bars: Main ingredient soy protein; 11 g protein; 4 grams of fiber; 20% of vit/minerals; decent sized bar of 32 grams

So, a Slimfast bar is mainly a teeny, tiny candy bar. While I suspect that I would continue losing weight on Slimfast, if I followed the plan religiously, I see it as a vastly inferior option, and not one that supports good health... too much sugar!

What's a girl to do? My Medifast supplies are dwindling; not a lot left in the cupboard but the shakes that I dislike (French vanilla, Suisse Mocha, Cappuccino). I probably have enough product to go another month, but it would be pretty miserable; and honestly, even with the "good" Medifast products on-hand, I was growing discontent with the rigidity of the plan... after almost 9 months, it may be time for a change.

Heading to the Internet to read up on Weight Watchers and other whole food/nutritious programs. I'm excited about adding fruit, yogurt, beans, oatmeal, sweet potatoes, nuts back into my diet. My plan is to carefully craft nutritious daily plans of 1200 calories, and to increase my exercise by 50% to compensate for the carbohydrates I'll be adding to my diet.

1200 calories of nutrient-dense food, 1 1/2 hours of aerobic activity, 1/2 hour of strength training... this has to be a recipe for success. We shall see...Stay tuned... the adventure continues.

Preparing to Dance

{Added March 5: My eagle-eyed friend, P., noticed that I had posted this and a day later it disappeared. She emailed asking about it. Rats. Thought I had quietly deleted it without anybody noticing.

Yes, P., I had some ambivalence about making this bold declaration for all the world to read. (I laugh. "All the world" probably means my sweet friend and a couple of others, but still...

Alright, you win. It's back!}


There are so many things in my life that I once feared and could never have imagined I would one day be comfortable doing:

*getting a job and being employed
*using a wheelchair
*public speaking
*traveling by myself (even going to Walmart by myself used to be a daunting proposition!)
*being comfortable with my body (even having a healthy body)
*being in leadership roles

AND, NOW, FOR THE BIGGEST WHOPPING FEAR: DATING!

Just the thought of dating struck cold terror in my soul.

Like so many of my other fears, no doubt, that, too, is underscored by beliefs that may or may not be true. For instance, I used to fear getting a job because I thought I was a fraud, unskilled,and had nothing to offer. If an employer was dumb enough to hire me, the game would soon enough be over when they uncovered the truth of my incompetence.

I look back at that thinking and have to laugh. It was so incredibly dumb, off-base, and even preposterous. And,yet, it ruled my emotions (created fear) and hampered my actions... for YEARS AND YEARS!

Similarly, the belief system I have carried regarding dating has been: Who would ever date a woman in a wheelchair? EVERYBODY KNOWS that a woman in a wheelchair is asexual and an object of pity... and NO WAY one of desire.

What if I'm wrong in that belief, too (and I think I am) and a whole world is waiting to be opened to me in similar ways other wonderful doors have opened as I've confronted other false beliefs?

I think I'm finally ready to explore that possibility. I think I'm ready because I am approaching this with a sense of curiosity, adventure, delight, fun, and with an ego strong enough to accept that there will likely be some heartache and bumps on the relationship road.

Yesterday, I learned that a woman I deeply admire (who has a sweet, sweet marriage), met her husband through eHarmony. They both attended the SAME church, but their paths had not crossed before that Internet connection was fostered. Don't you love that! It spurred me to explore the eHarmony website and to begin creating a profile.

Here is what I expect from this: New friendships to be made and enjoyable times to be had in the company of interesting men. Beyond that, I hold out my hands to the universe with a smile, knowing that it will be good, in the way that Peter walking on the water was good. I'm stepping out of the boat, in faith, with a trusting heart; and I won't be surprised at all if I not only walk on water, but dance across it while singing. Because the journey has that kind of possibility. For all of us... everyday.
Added later today: After reading reviews about eHarmony AND finding out it charges a whopping $60 a month, NO THANKS! But, it was fun to create my profile and a good exercise to think about the kind of men I would like to meet. A friend once told me that the local "Chess Club" is a great place to meet eligible men. smile

Public Speaking

I read once that when people are asked what they fear the most, public speaking ranks higher even than the fear of dying!

As far back as I can remember, that was true for me. I remember hugging the toilet in the Chem Building before having to give research presentations in college. I remember watching people who seemed at ease in front of people and wondering what they had that I did not. While some may have been good actors, covering the internal terror with a relaxed demeanor, most seemed genuinely free of self-consciousness, even to the point of playfulness.

I've always wanted to be like them.

And, maybe I am...

This past Sunday I was asked to give a short talk at a church I've been attending for about two months. I had an absolute blast!!! I was relaxed, funny, confident. I was able to be fluid and to divert from my written words when it was better to be flexible. I loved looking out at the people and making contact with our eyes. I loved the feeling of knowing that I had important and loving things to says that would likely bless the hearers, and I loved how I felt whole, attractive, and like I was okay... like I was peaceful with my place and role in the universe. I loved that I simultaneously felt beautiful and playful, but that I wasn't focused on self.

I sat there in a wheelchair in front of a roomful of people talking about how radical hospitality changes a person and what radical hospitality means to a person with a disability. And I felt like I was doing one of the things I was created to do. It was wonderful.

No doubt, it was made more wonderful because I was confident in my attractiveness, too. Having lost so much weight, I feel like I look good, and that attitude must radiate outward. I wore a cute tweed skirt with black tights, black ankle boots, a striped sweater and a pink jean jacket. It felt wonderful to feel pretty.

I love the strength and wholeness that is growing inside of me.