Lovely but Deadly

Although I started this as a blog intended to be primarily about the physical aspects of wellness, I grow increasingly aware that physical wellness is intimately intertwined with spiritual and emotional wellness, too.

I've been attending to spiritual and emotional healing in recent weeks, and haven't been paying as much attention to the physical. Actually, I've been zapped by the spiritual/emotional work I've been doing, and perhaps that's why I've cut back on exercise for the past week or so. (Just haven't had the "oomph" to do it. I don't know if that's an excuse and maybe I should have pushed through, or if this is an intelligent act of self-care. I do know that if it results in a permanent slide away from an intentional focus on physical wellness, then this hiatus hasn't been for the better. Time will tell...)

What have I been paying attention to, you ask? Little things like wrestling against a desire to seek revenge, questioning God why my life seems to be trashed when I was truly trying to serve faithfully and lovingly, and, the biggie... letting go and moving forward.

Seeds of bitterness were beginning to sprout in my soul, and I was beginning to water them. Who am I kidding, I wasn't just watering them, I was dousing them with freaking Miracle Grow! I would gaze at those tantalizing seedlings and attend to them with diligent care. (Unlike my poor herbs that have languished on my back porch, growing brown and dry in the blazing summer heat.) Such wonderfully responsive seedlings, and, oh how easily and satisfyingly they flourished under my care. Mesmerizingly so.

I was reminded again this past week how desperately Christians need other Christians to help them live faithfully. I had loving friends tell me, in essence, that I needed to rip that plant out of my soul, and that I needed to forgive.

Rip it out???? How could I do that when it was beginning to show such promise of flowering so beautifully? (The bitterness/revenge plant is insidiously attractive.) How does a gardener rip something out of the ground that promises to be so spectacular... like blue-ribbon, state fair quality spectacular? I'm telling you, it aint easy!

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, said a prayer for help, reached out and tugged that plant out of the soil and tossed it onto the ground where it could wither in the sun. oh how hard it has been to resist the urge to grab it up and tamp it back into the loamy fertile soil where it could be revived. (I suspect this plant is alot like kudzu and will never truly die... it always has the potential, no matter how dry and dormant it might appear, to become verdant with life if I choose to nurture it.)

For today, though, I am glad to see that bitterness plant so brown and dry. As it withers on the pile where I toss the weeds, other sprouts are beginning to appear in my soul's garden where they previously had no space to grow and nobody to tend to them. Sprouts of creativity and laughter, hope and opportunity. It almost feels like that bitterness plant had me under a spell... as though it produced chemicals that anesthetized and numbed my soul.

Better go. I have some lovely herbs (not metaphorical ones!) on my back porch that I need to water (poor little neglected babies) and a day ripe with opportunities for productivity and adventure. I think it even includes an hour or two of exercise. I'm awake and alive and ready to embrace the possibilities.

One last thing, rip those bitterness seedlings out of your soul. You'll be glad you did!